Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Like Sheet!

I used to own a Mitsubishi Mirage. The thing was fucking cursed! Between the freak accidents and the overall bad luck with this thing it became quite a ongoing joke with my friends. Never more so then the time I took it to New York City one Friday night.

I had scored some really great seats to see George Carlin. This was cool because at the time George was still pretty damn funny. (Unlike the last time I saw him which is reflected upon here

Anyway, in the weeks leading up to the show my car started to develop a strange smell. The thing was it would come and go and was never consistent. It was winter out so I figured it was some antifreeze thing or some other climate induced problem. The only thing was, I couldn't for the life of me figure out how antifreeze would smell that bad!

I took it to my buddy who was a mechanic and asked him his opinion. He took one whiff and said "Man, you've got a dead mouse on your hands" This of course made zero sense! He went on the explain that some sort of animal must have climbed into a hose in the engine and died there! So, now when I drove the engine started heating this corpse up and the smell began leaking into the car. I of course wanted the thing removed but my friend told me it would be too expensive to tear my engine apart and assured me that the thing would "burn itself out."

So I drive around the rest of the week with the problem lingering.

Friday night arrives and I have to pick up my date. I was lucky enough to score plans with a girl I was after for quite a long time. I mean, a REALLY long time! She only lived a short distance from my house and at this point I had timed it to a 45 minute window from when the car started up until the smell started creeping out of the heating vents. I lived about 20 minutes from NYC and with travel time to the theatre I figured I could park the car, allow the beast to freeze again and make it home without her ever knowing.

Of course, this was Friday night at 7:00 and there was traffic! All sorts of traffic. We crept along in bumper to bumper traffic until we finally made it into the Lincoln Tunnel. About half way through the tunnel the smell started. It was faint but noticeable. Then it happened... Literally, the exact moment we leave the tunnel the smell gets worse than It had ever been! Like a punch in the face we are hit full force with a stench that can best be described as rotting cabbage but much, much worse!

Thinking quick on my feet I say "Gee, the City stinks tonight"

She's busy rolling down the window and gasping for air but takes time to reply, "What the hell is that?"

I look up and by the grace of God there is a produce truck driving directly in front of us. I point at the truck and say "It's that damn produce truck."

"What are they carrying, a load of shit?" she responded

Now we both have the windows down and we keep driving. The truck in front of us is gone but we can't outrun the smell. I try and get clever and say "Gee that's really lingering" to which she just stares at me. She was hip to something being amiss.

Anyway, we get to a parking garage, throw the car in and head to the theatre. Did I mention how great the seats I got were? Sixth row, and they were taping for HBO! However, we're late and they threw two other people into those seats because of the HBO situation. They make us go sit in the balcony! Which would have been fine except I paid for really good seats and now I'm sitting in seats I could have had for half the price for the same fucking show! It sorta sucked but I reminded myself that I could still be in my car and that made everything a lot better. The show was funny and we had a good time.

Afterwards we make our way back to the garage. The conversation is all about the show we just saw and what to do next. We wait for 15 minutes for my car to come out (it seemed everyone else at the show parked in the same garage) and finally it does screeching to a stop with the attendant leaping out!

Now, it's loud on the sidewalk with all the other people waiting for their cars. I thank the guy and start to walk around to the driver's side when he starts yelling at me in very broken English.

Guy: Smells!
Me: What?
Guy: Like Sheet
Me: What the hell are you...
Guy: Car smells like sheeet!!!!!

Now I realize exactly what this guy is saying... He's saying my car smells like shit. Only he's not saying it, he's yelling it at the top of his lungs! The crowd of people have now turned to watch the free show and the girl I'm with is trying to translate his end of the conversation..

Girl: I think he's saying your car smells like...
Me: Get in!

We get in the car, the windows are WIDE open and he's standing there bent over on the sidewalk screaming.

Guy: SHEEET!!!!!!! LIKE SHEEET!!!!!

Mortified, I put the car in gear and begin to pull out when I notice a different smell... Along with the wall of rotten cabbage there is the faint smell of berries. Confused I look around and notice, hanging from my rear view mirror, a BRAND NEW pine tree air freshener! The guy actually went out and bought one before driving my car to the surface! Now I'm trying to take this all in while he's STILL yelling and now pointing to my car!


Now, I panic! I have this Middle Eastern guy screaming at me, I'm on a date I've been trying to go for a LONG time and my car smells like a Irish man's ass the day after Saint Patty's day! What could I do? Well, I suppose drive away would have been a good thought. My alternative? I rip the air freshener down and THROW it at the guy! At the same time yelling back "Fuck you"

I pull out and all the way down the street you can hear in the background


I turn the corner and I'm gone!

After a few more blocks I look over at my date who has put it ALL together at this point. She just looks at me, smiles and says...

"You think maybe you should have kept the air freshener?"


At 8:55 PM, Blogger Ramblin Rose said...

OMFG! I almost pissed my self with laughter! Hi I'm Ramblin Rose I found your site thru visiting hotwire reality who visits Manic Moms site who I regularly visit... Confused now.. oh god hope I dont piss you off now.

Great blog!!

At 10:00 PM, Blogger Rusty said...

Hilarious, Annoyed. Absolutely freakin' hilarious.

This blog MUST be written in more often! You have the funniest stories to tell.

I'm still chuckling...

At 5:57 AM, Blogger Ramblin Rose said...

Husband wants to know what the smell was...

At 8:23 AM, Blogger Dim said...

Awesome! Truly a Curb Your Enthusiasm episode if there ever was one!

- D.

At 9:20 AM, Blogger Jenny G said...

I agree with Rusty.

At 9:42 AM, Blogger Hotwire said...


At 10:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is my favorite story! I was worried that it would not be as good in the blog as it is in person, but you nailed it! Even the Russian judge would give you a 10. I laughed almost as hard as the first time you told it.

At 11:54 AM, Blogger March to the Sea said...

holy SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET. Grade A comedy man.

At 12:00 PM, Blogger Annoyed said...

A dead mouse?... Truthfully, I never found out for did "burn itself out" and was never heard from again after that night

At 5:35 PM, Blogger emetic sage said...

and whatever happened with the girl?

At 7:19 PM, Blogger Debbie said...

That was hilarious. Oh my god.

At 8:39 PM, Blogger Annoyed said...


She's long gone! Which is a good thing after too much time wasted.


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