Friday, February 23, 2007

Sing Sha La La La

Summer of '03 and Bruce Springsteen and The E Street Band are on world tour. Living here in the greater New York area usually means we get an overload of shows. This summer was no exception. In fact, between NY, NJ and Philly we got 16 Stadium shows between July and the beginning of October. Fantastic stuff for a fanatic like myself. Out of these 16 shows I managed to catch seven. I would have caught more except my father decided to get married on one of the Saturday nights and Shea Stadium is a fucking dump that I refused to travel to more than once and I only did that because it was the final night of the tour.

I was lucky enough to snag some really good floor seats for the final show of the ten night, Giants Stadium run. About 35 rows back of the stage. Now granted, I've stood with my arms literally resting on the stage for Bruce shows but these would do nicely for this one.

I was bar tending at the time. A fucking job I hated as much for the people I dealt with as for the location itself. Inside the most pretentious mall on the East Coast, and busy from the time the doors opened until we shut them again twelve hours later. I invited one of the other bartenders to come along to the show. Paul was in his 40's at the time, older than me by many years, but acted as if he were 22 at all times. I knew I'd have a blast with him.

We take our seats and the show begins. This was a hot night! Bruce dropped some of the slower tunes and really cranked it up. At that point I'd seen about 15 Springsteen shows and got to hear five or six tunes for the first time ever. Very cool.

Anyway, Paul and I are having a great time and the show nears the two hour and forty fifth minute. The band is taking its' final bows as the crowd chants for "one more song." Bruce steps to the mic and thanks everyone for coming out over the ten nights and says they are gonna play one more song for us. I think he called it a "summer song"

The first notes of "Jersey Girl" come pouring out from the stage. The crowd goes ballistic..... A little back story here.... "Jersey Girl" is originally a Tom Waits tune. Bruce got a hold of it back in the mid eighties, added a third verse, and really made it his own. In fact, it sounds like a song Bruce would have written. Even though it's a crowd favorite it hardly ever shows up on the setlist. In fact, since 1993, he's only played it three times total. (By coincidence I've been there every time)

So the crowd is going ape shit. Guys are dancing with their girls, girls are screaming, people are just LOVING every minute of it. The house lights are on and I'm looking around, taking the entire scene in as I take a moment to glance over at Paul. As I do, I notice he's rubbing his right eye. At least I THOUGHT he was rubbing his eye. The bastard is CRYING! He's wiping the tears away!

"HOLY SHIT!", I yell, as he pulls himself together.


"You're crying! You homo!"

"Fuck you I am.... God Damned mosquitoes! We are in the swamps here you know?"

I let it go and watched the end of the show giggling my ass off. On the ride home Paul admits that he was in fact swept up in the moment and did drop a tear or two. He makes me swear I won't tell anyone at work and I agree not to... After all, I wouldn't know where to begin with that!

Six days later I'm at my buddy's house in preparation of his upcoming wedding. His mother needs an errand run so I take off to the mall with his sister. Of course, to the exact mall I'm enjoying my day off from. We get there and park at the Bloomingdale's entrance. (The entrance the restaurant is at) As we pass the doors of the place I glance in and see Paul working a busy lunch shift. With my head hung low I manage to get past the front doors without being spotted and we head off in search of whatever it was we came to get.

As we're walking around this idea comes to me.... Not sure where it came from but I know it was somewhere evil. I try in vain to rope my companion into the idea. After all, she was the one that really needed to be one board. This was a two person plan from the jump.

She says, "I can't... I mean there's no way."

I start begging and pleading with her. A disgusting display of very un-manly behavior. She won't budge. Finally, we're back in Bloomingdale's, on our way out of the mall. I decided to take one more shot and did so in a very mature way.... I called her "a wuss"

"A wuss?" she says.

"Yeah, a wuss. BIG TIME, wuss!"

We walked a few more feet and then she just stopped dead in her tracks and looked at me. I'll never forget the look in her eyes. It was one of the most intense things I'd ever seen. "Fuck it!" she announces and takes off, walking double speed back towards the inner mall away from me. With me in pursuit, she goes down the escalator and right into the restaurant, coming to rest at the only empty bar stool in the place.... Right in front of Paul.

At this point I'm outside, about 30 yards away, hiding in a fake mall tree, watching the scene play out just as I'd been pitching it for the last hour.

Paul greets her immediately as he would with any attractive girl. A big, goofy smile on his face. His bald head shining a bit from all the running around he was doing. The bar was PACKED with people sitting everywhere. The only seat open was that one.... This was fate I tell you.

PAUL: Hi! Can I get you a menu.

HER: Just a glass of water for the moment.

He gets her the water and hands it to her along with the menu.

PAUL: I'll leave this here. Just give me a call when you're ready. I'm Paul.

Another minute passes and she's just staring at him smiling. He glances over and starts smiling back.

PAUL: Ready?

HER: This sounds crazy but.... Did I see you at the Bruce Springsteen show on Sunday?

PAUL: Yeah! I was there!

HER: On the floor?

PAUL: Yeah! How cool is that? You were there? Great show.... GREAT show!

HER: I thought that was you! My friends and I saw you... You were the guy crying during "Jersey Girl!"


Paul hung his head down, the top of it turning the darkest shade of red I'd ever seen. The next sound he heard was me clapping as I walked into the bar. He looked up and smiled.... That type of smile that says "I hope you fucking die"

She and I took off before he could say anything, the people sitting around her now smiling at Paul as he was still reeling.

We got as far the parking garage before my phone rang. I answered it and before I could say hello I heard this....

"You're dead.... A fucking dead man. Not sure how, not sure when...but revenge will be mine."

Well, I'm still waiting. However, I'm more than sure he's still planning. A fact repeated to me a couple of years later when I retold the story to his wife's family at a barbecue.

Oh well, it was worth it and now through the magic of YOU TUBE, I present the excact performance of the song.

If you listen closely you can here a grown man weep.... Sing, sha la la la

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Highway To Hell

I attended Catholic School from 7th to 9th grade. After my freshman year at an all boys Catholic School I said "Fuck this" and transferred to the local public school where they had things like.....girls.

The previous two years I spent at a coed Catholic Grade School where I assured myself a first class ticket on the plane ride to hell. Among my many "highlights"....

1. The head of the school was a nun and I lied right to her face without blinking. Wasn't really my fault as she had no business asking me what she did. We used to have these dances with other schools and one time there was hot little number named Monica. Now, coming into the dance it was well known that Monica had seen me at a previous dance and was interested in sucking some face with me. It was a long time since my summer camp days and by this time I was quite a young stud in the making!

We get to the dance and there she is in the pink number. She was of some Spanish descent and I instantly went into "cool" mode. In other words, I ignored her the whole night trying to look cool in front of my friends. Towards the end of the night I asked her to dance to a slow number. This went well and at the end of it I led her to the one place I knew two young kids could enjoy some privacy...

The boys bathroom!

I took her two feet inside and we start sucking face like there was no tomorrow. I don't remember much but I do remember opening my eyes at one point to see every girl from her school watching us.

Monica and I never saw each other again after that night. We spoke on the phone a few times but then I "dumped" her. Back then you could actually dump a girl you had never taken out in the first place. Being 13 ruled!

Anyway, that was in October and by May I had forgotten all about her. Until one day the head nun calls me over during recess to talk. Now this was odd on a couple of levels. One, the head nun NEVER came outside during the spring. Two, she never came down to the playground to speak to one of us in person.

I had no idea what I had done. However, I knew instantly I was in some sort of trouble. She tells me flat out.... "I just got a call from Sister Mary at St. Matthews. It seems all the girls are teasing a girl named Monica about some indecent behavior she engaged in at one of our dances. Do you remember Monica?"

I look her right in the eye and say "no"

She actually took a step back and looked at me with utter shock. I knew I was just caught lying to a nun but at this point I'm sticking to my story.

"Really, she claims to know you"

Now I realize immediately this nun has no proof! Unless this girl is carrying the second coming of Christ and I'm the father by immaculate conception I'm home free in this...

"I've heard those rumors too, sister. I've never met the girl"

She had no choice but to let me go.

Annoyed: 0 Satan: 1

2. I ask a priest, in front of a entire class, if he's a virgin.

Seemed like a fair question at the time. Plus, the entire class dared me to do it! The same fuckers immediately "acted" shocked soon after I did and ran home and told their parents "Guess what ____ asked father Tony"

I never got an answer which I still say is bullshit!

Annoyed: 0 Satan: 2

3. On our annual school trip to Father Bob's lake house for the day I get to second base in his upstairs bathroom.

Now this was wrong I admit. However, what made it "cool" was the girl's mother actually chaperoned the trip with the expressed interest in keeping us from "making out in a priests house"

It was a challenge! One I accepted and won!

Annoyed: 0 Satan: 3

4. During our annual Christmas chorus concert I volunteer to man one of the two spotlights during the show. I soon discover that if I shine the spot directly on the chorus teacher's ass you can see her underwear. This was big fun for EVERYONE!

It was also during this time that my friends and I thought it would be fun to run the Metallica cover song "Last Caress" through the church's P.A. system.

Nothing says funny like the following lyrics:

"I've got somethin' to say
I killed your baby today and it
Doesn't matter much to me
As long as it's dead

I've got somethin' to say
I raped your mother today and it
Doesn't matter much to me
As long as she spread"

Annoyed: 0 Satan: 4

5. When you kneel down in the confession booth there is a trigger underneath the bench that makes a light go on outside the booth to alert others that someone is in there. We are studying Morse Code in Social Studies and I take this opportunity spell out "this blows" for my friends' amusement.

The teacher, not so amused.

Annoyed: 0 Satan: 5

6. However, none of this topped the following story. In fact, it was at the time regarded as the "worst thing in the history of the school"

My friends were all Alter boys. I never bothered to learn because it just seemed like a tremendous pain in the ass and one more thing I'd have to worry about.

Of course, it didn't stop me from heading "backstage" at the end of every mass and taking part in hits off the wine jug! My friend Paul used to hit the thing hard! Anyway, one day while we're getting ready to leave someone gets the idea... "Let's steal some packages of hosts." For those not in the know, a host is a piece of flat bread that is used to represent the body of Christ during Catholic Mass. The priest says some blessings and that host becomes Jesus and then you eat it to prove how in love you are with him...

So, we grab three packages of these things and take off. All day, every time the teacher turns around there we are holding up a host saying "Body of Christ" and the other person says "Amen" and then we'd laugh like morons.

Looking back it wasn't so much that it was funny as much as we knew it was soooooo fucking wrong!

Anyway, there are like 100 hosts in these sleeves. Entirely too many to eat. After school I'm on my way to the public library with a classmate when I reach in my pocket and pull the rest of my sleeve out. I start firing them off like frisbees left and right as we walk. The body of Christ is FLYING all over the place. All the way from the door of the school to the front door of the library. Actually, two feet inside the library where I decided to stick them in the coin slot on the public phone.

Looking back it was like a satanic breadcrumb trail.

The next day all the guys get called into the Head priests' office.

See, there was a public jogging track on the way to the library and some of the parish's flock were jogging on the body of Christ. They called the church and one of the priests had to walk and pick each one up while saying a prayer over each one as he went.

We get called in and the priest is PISSED! Long story short, we fess up and find out that while we were in trouble it wasn't as bad as it could have been because the hosts were never used in an actual mass and had never been "Consecrated".... A fancy word for blessed.

I learned this because I used the word "blessed" and the head priest jumped to his feet and screamed "Consecrated! The word is CONSECRATED!!!!"

To which, being a total wise ass, I say.... "Okay, Con-sen-cra-ted" as slow as I could.

Our parents were called and all my friends were grounded for weeks. My mother laughed and said "boys will be boys"

Annoyed: 0 Satan: 6

I have a feeling that won't be the last laugh.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

One Dance

When I was 11 my parents shipped me off to sleepaway camp for the first time. I didn't want to go and fought like a bastard about it.

Well, I went.

They sent me during the second half of camp. You used to get a choice if you were a parent. The first four weeks or the second four. The worst thing for a kid was to get dumped into the second four weeks. This was when all the friendships were already made and clicks formed. To enter this world in week five was like being the new kid in school. In other words, it sucked.

But there I was, an 11 year old fat kid in a cabin with five other guys who hated me on first site.

Yes, I said fat kid. I was a bit of a porker in those days. My mother used to drag me down to Sears and buy me Levis in the "Husky" size. Any kid who ever had a slight weight problem will appreciate this size reminder.


They may as well but a bullseye on your ass with a target and a sign that said "pin the tail on lard ass" There was nothing worse than that walk to the young men's section when I was in 5th and 6th grade.

Until.... That summer!

These bastards tortured me from the minute I walked in and didn't let up until I got on the bus to come home. Four weeks of "loser", "homo" and "fag."

I used to lay awake nights thinking of ways to kill these guys. Friday the 13th became a documentary in my mind. The only thing I'd look forward to was the sport sections my father would send me in the mail. However, my father, God love him, is one cheap bastard! He used to send them "3rd class mail" to save a few cents. I'd get sports "updates" weeks after the games happened.

Summer camp is usually a giant hook up! For me it was a giant wet dream. Girls didn't want to talk to, let alone be seen with the fat fag.... You know, the homo loser from cabin six...

But something amazing happened that summer. Because of the "no seconds" policy and general shit menu the camp offered I dropped 20 pounds. I was actually skinny by the end of camp. Right in time for the big end of the year "Camp Formal." A big dance where all the guys stood on one wall and the all the girls stood on the other. You remember those!

Anyway, there was this one girl, Randi, that all the guys wanted and all the girls hated. She was a piece of ass! At least, the best piece of ass I'd seen in my 11 years on earth. The dance was in full swing and the first hour was spent with all the guys having this conversation:

GUY 1: You ask her!

GUY 2: No way, you ask her!

GUY 3: You guys are pussies!

Guy 1: Then you ask her!

GUY 3: No way!

This went on and on and on.... Then, in a moment of clarity, I think to myself... "I'm gonna do it. I'm asking this girl to dance!"

I figured if I could pull this off it would TOTALLY redeem my summer. Me! The fat, homo, loser was going to show these assholes who's got balls! I just needed to pick my spot.... Then it happened, the fast dance songs ended and the slow number came on... "The Flame" by Cheap Trick.... I can still hear it!

I marched right by those three guys, right up to Randi, and asked her to dance.

She said yes!

Now there I am, her hands on my shoulders, my hands on her hips. The junior high slow-dance in full glory. I'm taking the time to look around at all the guys and even the girls watching me in my all my glory. I'm sporting my 11 year old boner proudly as I turn back towards Randi who actually smiles at me!

With a fade to black and title card that says "Produced By: Bob Brush" it was a episode of "The Wonder Years"

"I FUCKING RULE!" I think to myself when all of a sudden it gets very breezy.

I'd been pantsed!

My fucking pants are around my ankles. My 11 year old boner is putting a serious dent in my tightie whiteys and the entire gym is laughing at me! Randi is gone before I can even look up.

Cheap Trick is still playing with cruel, cruel irony

"Watching shadows move across the wall,
I feel so frightened.
I wanna run to you, I wanna call,
But I've been hit by lightening.
Just cant stand up for fallin apart."

Seems with all my weight loss it made me very easy to de-pants!

Randi never came back to the dance and I never saw her again. The next morning we all went home.

Looking back I take pride that the only one who had the balls to ask her to dance was me!


The fat, gay, tightie whitey wearing, pantless loser!

For about two minutes of that entire miserable summer it was all worth it!

For those two minutes....

Monday, July 17, 2006

Annoyed's Guide To Women Pt. 2

Just some general things I've learned over the years.

1. Playing the "nice guy" never works out! More than once I have had drunk girls want to fuck me and I passed. Every time because I like the girl and figured she would respect me the next day for respecting her and I will have the chance to bang her multiple times.


When a girl drives to your house drunk, fuck her!

When a girl whispers in your ear "fuck me," fuck her!

When a girl pushes you up against the wall and says "fuck me" and "Even if I wasn't drunk I'd still want to," for Christ's sake, fuck her!

There was actually a point in my life where I had turned down more sex than I had.

That was a time called "many years ago"

2. It's easy to bullshit a girl's mother. Their father is a totally different story!

Every girl I have ever dated has had a mother that LOVED me! Some of them STILL do! And every girl's father fucking hated me!

I understand why... It's his little girl. As a friend of my girlfriend's with a daughter said... "With a boy its' easy. You worry about one dick. With a girl, you have to worry about every dick in the neighborhood"

Point taken!

3. Try and find a girl that doesn't get along with her dad or that has dad issues.

They are the best in bed! Don't know why really, but holy hell!

4. Girls that drive German Made automobiles are FUCKING NUTS!

I had a string of lunatics in my early 20's.

FOUR Jettas and One Mercedes.

5. Women CAN NOT be trusted to set you up with other women.

Their "beautiful" friend is single for a reason! Sometimes it's not an "on the surface" thing. Sometimes it takes a few months until you catch them in the bathroom shaving their ass. Look deep guys!

6. Spanish women are never on time!

Just like "white can't jump" "Spanish people time" is a TRUTH!

My last Spanish girlfriend's "be here at 7:00" was 9:15. It got to the point I was telling her we were having diner at 5:00 like some old retired fucks in Florida!

Even then we were always cutting it close.

7. "Opposites attract" is BULLSHIT!

While they may attract they do not maintain. Building a relationship on the fact you have nothing in common because "it's exciting" and "everything is new" is the death of the relationship before it ever gets going. You have to have things in common!

LOTS of them.

8. Women are much more jealous than guys.

Sure a guy may hide in your bushes and spy on you but he won't call a diner you're eating at, ask for you and then hang up when you say "hello" just to make sure your not out with some other woman.

Men also don't notice other guys on the street and try to catch their girlfriends looking at them! My Ex used to get mad at me when a good looking girl would walk past. Now, sometimes I did "glance" over. But it's not like I pointed and said "Honey, how come your tits aren't that big?"

Hell, sometimes I'd get in shit for looking at girls that I actually DIDN'T see! We'd have to double back so she could point them out and then get mad at me for not seeing them in the first place!



9. If a girl is still "good friends" with her ex boyfriend... RUN!

That guy is hanging around for a reason.

This is also a fun rule because it doesn't work both ways. Men can not be friends with any girl they ever kissed, let alone dated! In fact, unless they are crippled, man can not be friends with any attractive woman.

Women just ASSUME we'll wind up cheating on them with these girls!

And so fucking what if it's true! It's still a double standard!

10. You don't have to spend every minute of free time with your spouse/partner

I'm "allowed" to go out with my friends and golf or play poker. Or go to a concert by myself without my current girlfriend feeling the relationship is threatened by me having a life outside of it!

It's fucking sad how rare that is!

It's also sad how people have become conditioned to thinking that's what a relationship is "supposed" to be like.

I'd rather be dead than live like that!

Monday, July 10, 2006

Here's To You, Mrs. Robinson

Think of that old Simon and Garfunkel song... Now think of the Lemonhead's version.

That's a good metaphor for this tale.

I was 21, living at home with my father. My neighbor, two doors down was this red headed woman. She used to come into the Video Store I worked at and would invite me over at the holidays to have drinks with her family. She still lived with her folks too.

One big difference... She was 36!

She'd hang around the store and pick my brain about different films. I was a film major in college. The amount of utterly useless movie information I possess is only surpassed by my useless amount of Music information.

Which is to say, it's a lot!

Anyway, video stores used to get these advances "screener" films in from time to time. A pre-release version of a film months before it would come to video in the hopes of retailers buying extra copies of the film for their shelves. Usually these were the latest Steven Siegel straight-to-video releases. However, sometimes we'd get some pretty good films.

This was one of those times and I was taking the video home. (I can't for the life of me remember what it was) She's hanging around the store and says she really wants to see it and asks if she can come over to watch it with me. I think nothing of it and say, yes.

She comes over that night with a six pack, which was welcomed, and we sit down and watch the movie on the big screen in the living room.

It ends, I'm ready for bed. She starts coming onto me! This was odd to say the least.

First off, she's 36 and not really "hot." She was sorta attractive but I never gave it a second thought. Second, we're in my family living room! My father and stepmother are asleep in the next room and my one year old sister is sleeping in her crib two rooms away. If that kid starts screaming my stepmother is gonna walk in on me and this "lady" going at it!

Then I do the math... She's 36! When do I usually get to hook up with with chicks who were sophomores in High School when I was born? Not often. Then I think of my friends and realize none of them could top this story.

I'm all for a little competition amongst friends...Especially when I know I can't be beat!

So, we start going at it! Just kissing and groping... Then I make a mistake. I take a GOOD look at her. She's really not that attractive. To quote Paul Simon, she was "all right in a sorta limited way for an off night"

This wasn't an off night.

Plus, there was a 50/50 chance my friends weren't going to be impressed. They were going to rip me for this! At this exact moment she says to me, "You want to go upstairs"

That's where my room was at the time.

I let out a huge yawn and tell her I think I'm gonna turn in... I have a BIG day at the video store the next day.

This may have been the worst excuse to turn down sex in the history of man! However, I stuck by my story and kicked her out.

The next day I'm at the video store laughing about this with one of my friends. Then the phone rings... It's her asking me what I'm doing that night. I blow her off and go about my life. Two days later, I'm home in my room and my phone rings. It's her! She's tricked one of the other kids at the store into giving her my home phone number. This conversation got odd fast!

ME: How'd you get this number?

HER: So, what? You think you can just hook up with me and blow me off?

ME: Huh?

HER: You think you can just USE me like that?

ME: Hey, lady, I kissed you! What the fuck are you talking about?

HER: You think cause your hot you can get away with this shit?

ME: First of all, I'm not "hot", but thanks! Second...

HER: You're an asshole.

ME: Are you insane?

HER: Maybe, I actually liked you!

ME: Goodbye.

I hang up... The phone rings again and I turn off the answering machine. The thing rang for about ten minutes straight! It finally stopped. I assumed she went to boil some rabbits at this point and went on with my life.

A few days later I realize she's driving by my house in her car over and over again. Slowly back and forth! I'm officially being stalked! By a lady!

Now this went on for weeks. She'd stop in the store and ask what I was doing? Being a smart ass I'd usually reply "working" and leave it at that. The drive by stalking continued for a few more weeks and finally sputtered out.

She was able to get the bartender at the town bar to start dating her. The relationship ended with her beating the shit out him for talking to some girl at the bar. A unusual occurrence for a bartender..

Anyway, I washed my hands of it. The following summer my stepmother decided to throw a neighborhood barbecue and guess who shows up? Yup, Glen Close, in the flesh. Her relationship with the bartender was now over because of a restraining order and she corners me and says...

HER: So, what do you to say for yourself these days?

ME: Coo coo ca-choo?

She looked sort of puzzled as I walked away....

Sunday, July 02, 2006

All Aboard!

For Dim,

I don't like to fly. It's a very un-natural thing to do. I have flown and will fly again but I'd rather drive anywhere than take a plane. It's a control thing really. I have to trust that pilot with my life! I was in a math class when I was a sophomore in High School with all upper classmen. These were dumb upper classmen who couldn't keep up with their grade. One of these idiots became a pilot... Case closed.

Anyway, when I was 19 I had a chance to spend the summer in San Francisco living with my cousin and her husband. Living in New Jersey, that was going to be a long flight. After some discussion I decided the smart thing to do was take a train across country. I actually thought this would be cool for a few reasons..

1. I had just seen the movie "Before Sunrise" and figured I had a better than average chance of meeting a girl that looked like Julie Delpy. It was a three day trip and I assumed it would be enough time to sweep this girl off her feet and have a grand story to tell my friends when I got back to Jersey.

2. I had all these images of Bob Dylan songs in my head. Riding the rails would be cool!

3. It would be a great way to see the country.

4. It was much safer than flying.

As it turned out, I was a moron.

First off, the only women who ride these trains are scary looking. Look up any website dedicated to Meth abuse and you'll see a wide sampling of what they look like. Pale and bony and without a trace of personality. If Julie Delpy were a Meth Whore I would have been all set... As it was I spent the whole time avoiding any and all conversation with these girls.

Second, Bob Dylan never took Amtrak. There's only two types of people that take Amtrak.

1. White Trash - Most television shows fly their guests into town. Apparently the Jerry Springer Show send their's by rail.

2. The Amish - The Amish ride these trains in droves. A bunch of inbred, smelly people. The Amish don't believe in shaving or deodorant. A nice sight and smell inside an airtight cabin... And their conversations are fascinating...

Jeb-a-high-a: Pa, What's that!
Pa: I have no idea, Jeb.

It was a fucking power line!

Third, you don't see much of the country from the inside of a train. Sure there were moments of sheer beauty like when you travel through the Rocky Mountains or when you FIRST get to Utah. I say "first" because the first hour of the salt plains is lovely but by hour six you start to feel like your want to kill yourself.

Fucking Mormons.

There was an "observation car" with big windows so you could get a better view of sights. However, it was just a bigger view....I decided the same, smaller view, from my seat in coach would do.

Yes, I said coach... I sat in coach for the entire trip. People will say: "Why didn't you get a sleeper car?" Well, because they are really expensive and I figured the seat would be comfortable enough. After all the Amtrak salesperson assured me the seat reclined! The exact quote, as I remember it, was.. "Our over-sized seat reclines for a comfortable nights sleep"

Now, there are THREE "flaws" in this statement...

1. "The over-sized seat": If I were a midget this part would be true. I'm over six feet tall. Imagine the back seat of a sports car... Now shrink it!

2. "Reclines" - Sit up straight and lean back two inches.... That's the "recline" in these seats.

3. "Comfortable night's sleep" - The first half of the trip I had the window seat and could lean my head against the wall of the train. The second half I had the inside, aisle seat. Once again, this is were Ms. Delpy could have helped out. I didn't have her next to me, I had some guy to my right. Now, you can't sleep on your side on one of these trains without touching the people next to you. It's impossible! You have to sleep straight up in you "reclined" seat! If your a guy in this situation, as I was, and decide to sleep on your side, you encounter the following two scenarios:

1. Your ass is touching their ass = Gay

2. You have to spoon with the person next to you meaning your dick is touching their ass= Much more gay!

I slept sitting straight up with my hands in my lap!

Lastly, after all of this, I still had the "safer than flying" thing going for me.



Remember those beautiful Rocky Mountains? Well, they are magnificent! However, the train tracks are built into these mountains very tightly. At numerous points during the hours you spend going through them the trip takes on the look of "Big Thunder Railroad" at Disney World! Half the time you travel through there is a ledge about five yards from the side of the train. Over that ledge is a 1500 foot drop onto jagged rocks! If this train jumps the tracks your dead! I assure you, no less scary than looking out the window of the plane . In fact, it's scarier when you realize you may actually survive this fall! You'll be laying there with two broken legs, bleeding to death, with some guy's ass right on top of your face! At least with the plane crash you'll just be dead!

The "highlight" of the trip happened in Nebraska. After seven hours of fucking cornfields, night finally fell and it began to rain. I had been talking to this 82 year old man who had lived in this area of the country his entire life. He was taking his yearly trip out to Reno to gamble and bang whores! This was Lozo's kind of guy! Anyway, it starts to rain harder and harder and now the lightning starts. I look out the window and see this:

Holy Shit!

This is about 150 yards from us!

Then the train just stops! It just fucking stops and doesn't move for six hours. Now I'm sitting in the middle of a cornfield, inside a metal car staring at this:

I try and tell myself "this isn't so bad, I'm sure it's no big deal"

As I'm thinking this the old whore-fucker behind me pipes up with this:

"I've never seen lightning this bad"

Of which, I think to myself:

"Your FROM here! You've lived here your entire life.... 82 fucking years! I'm gonna die... I should have flown!"

Well, I survived to tell the tale and all told it only took 84 HOURS to get there!

I get off the train in California and my cousin just laughs at me. I deserved that... 84 hours of train food, no showers, man ass, "reclining" seats, Rocky-Mountain-impending-death, salt plains, Amish people, Meth girls, Springer guests, Whore-Fuckers and lightning!

All because I hated flying.

And I realize, as we're driving to my cousin's house, I get to do it all over again in seven weeks!

Monday, June 26, 2006

Annoyed's Guide To Women Pt. 1

Overall I've been fairly lucky with the gals... I've suffered my fair share of rejection but for an ugly dude I've wound up with some attractive women over the years. Never more so than right now.

However, I have also had my fair share of set backs. Take the following story.

I'm in forth grade and I develop this crazy crush on this girl. It seemed that was the year all the guys I knew started realizing that their lower regions were put there for more than just taking a whiz. Myself included.

Anyway, I dug this girl. Not sure why at the time I just knew that I wanted her in some way. At 11 years old I really had no plan about how to go about getting her or any idea what do with her IF I did. However, I knew what I wanted.

I spent the better part of that year staring at her, making fun of her and generally acting like a complete ass around her at all times! Behavior that I later perfected in my every day life. The year went by and I got past it. She clearly wasn't interested in me and truthfully I was relieved. She made me feel all "weird" inside and who had time for that?

The years went by and we went to different schools. I'd see her once in awhile around town and would always take notice. It seemed my crush never really went away, it just got put on hold.

Cut to Senior Year of High School... We're back at the same school and her and I are friends. We spend every day together at lunch driving around in her car smoking cigarettes and talking about life. Actual conversation! At 17 this was strange. We were pretty close.

Prom time is approaching I figure I'm going to ask her. I think she'll say yes and I'm feeling confident! I bring the topic up in the car on day. Keep in mind, I was pretty slick back then!

Me: So, like, what are doing for the prom?
Her: Rick asked me to go with him. I was hoping....
Me: Oh, okay.... uh, anyway, I gotta go!

I jump out of the car and take off. I'm sorta pissed but not too bad. I figured shit wasn't meant to be so screw it. This was a Friday and on Sunday I asked a different girl to go with me and she said yes. She was a nice girl and I figured we would have some fun but she was certainly a "plan B" girl.

Anyway, I go out to lunch with "Plan A" on Monday and tell her I asked "B" to go and that she said yes. "A" gets this disappointed look on her face which looking back I didn't even recognize as such... We spend our days hanging out and everything is just the way it's been all year. About a week later this conversation occurs.

Her: So, I'm going to the prom with Kevin from (some stupid private school).
Me: Excuse me? You said you were going with Rick?
Her: No, I said Rick asked me to go! You never let me finish that day. Truthfully I was hoping you were going to ask me but then you asked "B"
Me: Son of a BITCH!
Her: What?
Me: Why didn't you tell me?
Her: I tried

LONG story short, she was a virgin! A good looking, really cute virgin who slept with her prom date just because she decided she was tired of being one.

That of course was supposed to ME! Eight YEARS after first staking a claim to this girl and I'm banging "plan B" while she's sleeping with this fucking loser Kevin who she never talked to again after that night!

Son of a bitch!

That summer I tried to put the moves on her drunk one night by sending my friend over to ask her if she liked me. I was really drunk! That's my excuse for acting like a 12 year old girl in Gym class. Of course the answer came back "no" In truth, the next morning, I HATED me!

She goes away to college and we lose touch. The following summer I'm at a party at a mutual friend's house when I bump into her. The party sucks and I tell her I'm taking off. She asks me to where and I tell her I'm gonna go back to my place and watch a movie. She wants to come with me... Her friend drove them there so she'll need me to drive her home later. I'm fine with this and we take off...

Back to my place where she starts looking through my movie collection and pulls out "Goodfellas" saying she's never seen it. This of course blows my mind! I throw it on and we sit on my couch watching it. About an hour later she says to me... "Is something wrong?" I respond that there isn't and she says "I was just wondering" I go back to watching the movie and when it's over offer to take her home.

The whole ride home she has this weird look on her face. I ask, "Didn't like the movie?" which she responds to by saying "It was fine" I pull up to her place, she gets out and says "All right then" and slams the door! I pull out and go home.

THREE DAYS LATER I'm driving around thinking about it.... And then it dawns on me... This chick wanted to hook up that night! She didn't give a shit about some stupid movie! Granted, it's the GREATEST movie EVER but she could have given a shit! She asked me if everything was all right because I wasn't even trying to hook up with her. In fact, I don't think I even LOOKED at her the whole time the movie was on except to answer that question...

The whole night was like a retarded episode of "The Wonder Years"

I tried calling her but never heard back. She was headed back to college in a few weeks. The next time I saw her she had a boyfriend and they got fucking married!