All Aboard!

For Dim,

I don't like to fly. It's a very un-natural thing to do. I have flown and will fly again but I'd rather drive anywhere than take a plane. It's a control thing really. I have to trust that pilot with my life! I was in a math class when I was a sophomore in High School with all upper classmen. These were dumb upper classmen who couldn't keep up with their grade. One of these idiots became a pilot... Case closed.

Anyway, when I was 19 I had a chance to spend the summer in San Francisco living with my cousin and her husband. Living in New Jersey, that was going to be a long flight. After some discussion I decided the smart thing to do was take a train across country. I actually thought this would be cool for a few reasons..

1. I had just seen the movie "Before Sunrise" and figured I had a better than average chance of meeting a girl that looked like Julie Delpy. It was a three day trip and I assumed it would be enough time to sweep this girl off her feet and have a grand story to tell my friends when I got back to Jersey.

2. I had all these images of Bob Dylan songs in my head. Riding the rails would be cool!

3. It would be a great way to see the country.

4. It was much safer than flying.

As it turned out, I was a moron.

First off, the only women who ride these trains are scary looking. Look up any website dedicated to Meth abuse and you'll see a wide sampling of what they look like. Pale and bony and without a trace of personality. If Julie Delpy were a Meth Whore I would have been all set... As it was I spent the whole time avoiding any and all conversation with these girls.

Second, Bob Dylan never took Amtrak. There's only two types of people that take Amtrak.

1. White Trash - Most television shows fly their guests into town. Apparently the Jerry Springer Show send their's by rail.

2. The Amish - The Amish ride these trains in droves. A bunch of inbred, smelly people. The Amish don't believe in shaving or deodorant. A nice sight and smell inside an airtight cabin... And their conversations are fascinating...

Jeb-a-high-a: Pa, What's that!
Pa: I have no idea, Jeb.


It was a fucking power line!


Third, you don't see much of the country from the inside of a train. Sure there were moments of sheer beauty like when you travel through the Rocky Mountains or when you FIRST get to Utah. I say "first" because the first hour of the salt plains is lovely but by hour six you start to feel like your want to kill yourself.

Fucking Mormons.

There was an "observation car" with big windows so you could get a better view of sights. However, it was just a bigger view....I decided the same, smaller view, from my seat in coach would do.

Yes, I said coach... I sat in coach for the entire trip. People will say: "Why didn't you get a sleeper car?" Well, because they are really expensive and I figured the seat would be comfortable enough. After all the Amtrak salesperson assured me the seat reclined! The exact quote, as I remember it, was.. "Our over-sized seat reclines for a comfortable nights sleep"

Now, there are THREE "flaws" in this statement...

1. "The over-sized seat": If I were a midget this part would be true. I'm over six feet tall. Imagine the back seat of a sports car... Now shrink it!

2. "Reclines" - Sit up straight and lean back two inches.... That's the "recline" in these seats.

3. "Comfortable night's sleep" - The first half of the trip I had the window seat and could lean my head against the wall of the train. The second half I had the inside, aisle seat. Once again, this is were Ms. Delpy could have helped out. I didn't have her next to me, I had some guy to my right. Now, you can't sleep on your side on one of these trains without touching the people next to you. It's impossible! You have to sleep straight up in you "reclined" seat! If your a guy in this situation, as I was, and decide to sleep on your side, you encounter the following two scenarios:

1. Your ass is touching their ass = Gay

2. You have to spoon with the person next to you meaning your dick is touching their ass= Much more gay!

I slept sitting straight up with my hands in my lap!

Lastly, after all of this, I still had the "safer than flying" thing going for me.

Right?

WRONG!

Remember those beautiful Rocky Mountains? Well, they are magnificent! However, the train tracks are built into these mountains very tightly. At numerous points during the hours you spend going through them the trip takes on the look of "Big Thunder Railroad" at Disney World! Half the time you travel through there is a ledge about five yards from the side of the train. Over that ledge is a 1500 foot drop onto jagged rocks! If this train jumps the tracks your dead! I assure you, no less scary than looking out the window of the plane . In fact, it's scarier when you realize you may actually survive this fall! You'll be laying there with two broken legs, bleeding to death, with some guy's ass right on top of your face! At least with the plane crash you'll just be dead!

The "highlight" of the trip happened in Nebraska. After seven hours of fucking cornfields, night finally fell and it began to rain. I had been talking to this 82 year old man who had lived in this area of the country his entire life. He was taking his yearly trip out to Reno to gamble and bang whores! This was Lozo's kind of guy! Anyway, it starts to rain harder and harder and now the lightning starts. I look out the window and see this:





Holy Shit!

This is about 150 yards from us!

Then the train just stops! It just fucking stops and doesn't move for six hours. Now I'm sitting in the middle of a cornfield, inside a metal car staring at this:





I try and tell myself "this isn't so bad, I'm sure it's no big deal"

As I'm thinking this the old whore-fucker behind me pipes up with this:

"I've never seen lightning this bad"

Of which, I think to myself:

"Your FROM here! You've lived here your entire life.... 82 fucking years! I'm gonna die... I should have flown!"

Well, I survived to tell the tale and all told it only took 84 HOURS to get there!

I get off the train in California and my cousin just laughs at me. I deserved that... 84 hours of train food, no showers, man ass, "reclining" seats, Rocky-Mountain-impending-death, salt plains, Amish people, Meth girls, Springer guests, Whore-Fuckers and lightning!

All because I hated flying.

And I realize, as we're driving to my cousin's house, I get to do it all over again in seven weeks!