Monday, July 17, 2006

Annoyed's Guide To Women Pt. 2

Just some general things I've learned over the years.

1. Playing the "nice guy" never works out! More than once I have had drunk girls want to fuck me and I passed. Every time because I like the girl and figured she would respect me the next day for respecting her and I will have the chance to bang her multiple times.


When a girl drives to your house drunk, fuck her!

When a girl whispers in your ear "fuck me," fuck her!

When a girl pushes you up against the wall and says "fuck me" and "Even if I wasn't drunk I'd still want to," for Christ's sake, fuck her!

There was actually a point in my life where I had turned down more sex than I had.

That was a time called "many years ago"

2. It's easy to bullshit a girl's mother. Their father is a totally different story!

Every girl I have ever dated has had a mother that LOVED me! Some of them STILL do! And every girl's father fucking hated me!

I understand why... It's his little girl. As a friend of my girlfriend's with a daughter said... "With a boy its' easy. You worry about one dick. With a girl, you have to worry about every dick in the neighborhood"

Point taken!

3. Try and find a girl that doesn't get along with her dad or that has dad issues.

They are the best in bed! Don't know why really, but holy hell!

4. Girls that drive German Made automobiles are FUCKING NUTS!

I had a string of lunatics in my early 20's.

FOUR Jettas and One Mercedes.

5. Women CAN NOT be trusted to set you up with other women.

Their "beautiful" friend is single for a reason! Sometimes it's not an "on the surface" thing. Sometimes it takes a few months until you catch them in the bathroom shaving their ass. Look deep guys!

6. Spanish women are never on time!

Just like "white can't jump" "Spanish people time" is a TRUTH!

My last Spanish girlfriend's "be here at 7:00" was 9:15. It got to the point I was telling her we were having diner at 5:00 like some old retired fucks in Florida!

Even then we were always cutting it close.

7. "Opposites attract" is BULLSHIT!

While they may attract they do not maintain. Building a relationship on the fact you have nothing in common because "it's exciting" and "everything is new" is the death of the relationship before it ever gets going. You have to have things in common!

LOTS of them.

8. Women are much more jealous than guys.

Sure a guy may hide in your bushes and spy on you but he won't call a diner you're eating at, ask for you and then hang up when you say "hello" just to make sure your not out with some other woman.

Men also don't notice other guys on the street and try to catch their girlfriends looking at them! My Ex used to get mad at me when a good looking girl would walk past. Now, sometimes I did "glance" over. But it's not like I pointed and said "Honey, how come your tits aren't that big?"

Hell, sometimes I'd get in shit for looking at girls that I actually DIDN'T see! We'd have to double back so she could point them out and then get mad at me for not seeing them in the first place!



9. If a girl is still "good friends" with her ex boyfriend... RUN!

That guy is hanging around for a reason.

This is also a fun rule because it doesn't work both ways. Men can not be friends with any girl they ever kissed, let alone dated! In fact, unless they are crippled, man can not be friends with any attractive woman.

Women just ASSUME we'll wind up cheating on them with these girls!

And so fucking what if it's true! It's still a double standard!

10. You don't have to spend every minute of free time with your spouse/partner

I'm "allowed" to go out with my friends and golf or play poker. Or go to a concert by myself without my current girlfriend feeling the relationship is threatened by me having a life outside of it!

It's fucking sad how rare that is!

It's also sad how people have become conditioned to thinking that's what a relationship is "supposed" to be like.

I'd rather be dead than live like that!


At 9:24 PM, Blogger Debbie said...

1. The nice guy will never work. And yes, when a girl says 'Fuck me', you should fuck her. Don't be a savior. We can make our own decisions. If I told a guy I wanted to fuck him and he played the nice "I'm going to protect your virtue shit", I'd never speak to him again. It's insulting that guys think they need to protect us.

2. Try to bullshit my mom and she'll be twisting your dick off before you get the first sentence out of your mouth. She's no fool. My dad is an idiot and can be convinced of anything.

3. Maybe that's why I'm good in bed. Or is it because I pay attention? Or that I am free from feeling any shame when it comes to sex? Hmmm.

4. I have no idea about this one. I can believe it, though.

5. Ahem. What if my friend set you up with me? What's the reason I'm single? And be thankful if you catch a girl shaving her ass. She could let it go and then you'd have to deal with that mess. And if I ever caught a guy shaving his balls and ass, I wouldn't be grossed out. I'd give him a kiss on his forehead and tell him to yell if he needs help and then go down on him to thank him for the consideration.

6. I totally agree with this. Black women are never on time either. But I still love them.

7. No, it's true. You have to have something in common or you'll tear each other apart.

8. I agree.

9. This is also true. If I stay friends with an ex, it's because I still want to either be with him or fuck him.

10. Some of my friends think they need to spend every waking minute with their significant others. I like my alone time, so I'm the opposite. I'm all for my guy to go out and have fun and I WILL NOT call. Cause I have my own life too.

Annoying, this was a great post! I'm sure the comments will be filled with many interesting opinions.

At 9:31 PM, Blogger emetic sage said...

well done, 'noyed. i especially agree with number 6. my ex-wife was puerto rican and couldn't get to ANYTHING on time. except for the divorce.

also, it is really difficult to get in good with the father, but when it's done, and done right, you're home free.

At 1:20 PM, Blogger rosiegirl said...

Knowing my relationship with my Dad, the thought that I may owe my sexual prowess to my father (who loves you, by the way) makes me a little ill.

At 11:36 AM, Blogger Jocular Schlemiel said...

Definetely a good post. I agree with you on most.

You are wicked right on a chick that drives a german car. I was in a chick's mercedes, and we got pulled over. $550 ticket.

I love it when you ask what a chick looks like, and your friend says "she has a really nice personality"...I'm sure she does; I'm also sure she has a season pass to Krispy Kreme

Women definetely are more jealous, and I can't be with a chick that won't let me spend time with my buddies.

Once again, excellent post.

At 3:24 PM, Blogger March to the Sea said...

all i ever got in highschool was "I can't you are like a brother".

At 7:56 PM, Blogger Hotwire said...

holy crap you are 100% right on the money with #3. true genius, my friend. every time i had a first date where i was told that there were daddy issues i knew i was golden.

perhaps you should be the dr. phil for dudes who want to get laid. you could make million$.

nice work.

At 6:39 AM, Anonymous Pog said...

I drive a VW, my father is not a major player in my life but that is cancelled out by my mother who will kick the shit out of a dick ... having said that, there is a lot of truth here.

At 11:18 PM, Blogger T said...

1. I agree with this one except in one situation... she is so drunk that she will have no idea who the hell you are the next day... this is never a fun situation- and a serious bio hazard in the making.

2. I agree with Freshair, no one got past my mom, my dad was too busy trying to be the "cool dad" (read drunk guy that thinks he's the mayor of everything)

3. Although I have heard "holy shit, how do you DO that?" on more than one occasion, I chalk it up to really REALLY liking sex, and making it a goal to know every scream worthy, have an orgasm just thinking about it hot point on both mine and my partners body, and creating a few more when possible.

4. Mines Japanese made, what does that say? (my first, usually I'm a GM girl)

5. Girls will set you up for one of 2 reasons, 1, they like you and can't have you so they are trying to live vicariously or 2. they get some weird satisfaction of being the matchmaker.. it's never about the guy or the girl in question, all about the one doing the setting up.

BTW, some of us are single for the same reasons guys are, we're picky.

6. Hell, I'm blond, German/Irish/English AND Indian and I'm never on time...

7. It's got to be half and half, someone too much like me and we'd kill each other, the same for opposites... but just different enough to compliment each others strengths and negate the weaknesses... perfect. I'm convinced this doesn't exist.

8. I don't know about this, I've dated some stalker types. Put me as a priority one in a while and I'll pretty much leave you alone. Don't and I won't be around to be jealous so it's not an issue.

9. O fuck, no comment on this one other than it depends on the ex

10. I used to set up guys weekends to get my ex husband out of the house for a few days so I could breath. Beware of anyone wanting to spend all of their time with you, they are afraid you'll come to your senses without them and run like hell...

Anyway, this is my first visit to your site and I am already hooked... Great post


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