Here's To You, Mrs. Robinson

Think of that old Simon and Garfunkel song... Now think of the Lemonhead's version.

That's a good metaphor for this tale.

I was 21, living at home with my father. My neighbor, two doors down was this red headed woman. She used to come into the Video Store I worked at and would invite me over at the holidays to have drinks with her family. She still lived with her folks too.

One big difference... She was 36!

She'd hang around the store and pick my brain about different films. I was a film major in college. The amount of utterly useless movie information I possess is only surpassed by my useless amount of Music information.

Which is to say, it's a lot!

Anyway, video stores used to get these advances "screener" films in from time to time. A pre-release version of a film months before it would come to video in the hopes of retailers buying extra copies of the film for their shelves. Usually these were the latest Steven Siegel straight-to-video releases. However, sometimes we'd get some pretty good films.

This was one of those times and I was taking the video home. (I can't for the life of me remember what it was) She's hanging around the store and says she really wants to see it and asks if she can come over to watch it with me. I think nothing of it and say, yes.

She comes over that night with a six pack, which was welcomed, and we sit down and watch the movie on the big screen in the living room.

It ends, I'm ready for bed. She starts coming onto me! This was odd to say the least.

First off, she's 36 and not really "hot." She was sorta attractive but I never gave it a second thought. Second, we're in my family living room! My father and stepmother are asleep in the next room and my one year old sister is sleeping in her crib two rooms away. If that kid starts screaming my stepmother is gonna walk in on me and this "lady" going at it!

Then I do the math... She's 36! When do I usually get to hook up with with chicks who were sophomores in High School when I was born? Not often. Then I think of my friends and realize none of them could top this story.

I'm all for a little competition amongst friends...Especially when I know I can't be beat!

So, we start going at it! Just kissing and groping... Then I make a mistake. I take a GOOD look at her. She's really not that attractive. To quote Paul Simon, she was "all right in a sorta limited way for an off night"

This wasn't an off night.

Plus, there was a 50/50 chance my friends weren't going to be impressed. They were going to rip me for this! At this exact moment she says to me, "You want to go upstairs"

That's where my room was at the time.

I let out a huge yawn and tell her I think I'm gonna turn in... I have a BIG day at the video store the next day.

This may have been the worst excuse to turn down sex in the history of man! However, I stuck by my story and kicked her out.

The next day I'm at the video store laughing about this with one of my friends. Then the phone rings... It's her asking me what I'm doing that night. I blow her off and go about my life. Two days later, I'm home in my room and my phone rings. It's her! She's tricked one of the other kids at the store into giving her my home phone number. This conversation got odd fast!

ME: How'd you get this number?

HER: So, what? You think you can just hook up with me and blow me off?

ME: Huh?

HER: You think you can just USE me like that?

ME: Hey, lady, I kissed you! What the fuck are you talking about?

HER: You think cause your hot you can get away with this shit?

ME: First of all, I'm not "hot", but thanks! Second...

HER: You're an asshole.

ME: Are you insane?

HER: Maybe, I actually liked you!

ME: Goodbye.

I hang up... The phone rings again and I turn off the answering machine. The thing rang for about ten minutes straight! It finally stopped. I assumed she went to boil some rabbits at this point and went on with my life.

A few days later I realize she's driving by my house in her car over and over again. Slowly back and forth! I'm officially being stalked! By a lady!

Now this went on for weeks. She'd stop in the store and ask what I was doing? Being a smart ass I'd usually reply "working" and leave it at that. The drive by stalking continued for a few more weeks and finally sputtered out.

She was able to get the bartender at the town bar to start dating her. The relationship ended with her beating the shit out him for talking to some girl at the bar. A unusual occurrence for a bartender..

Anyway, I washed my hands of it. The following summer my stepmother decided to throw a neighborhood barbecue and guess who shows up? Yup, Glen Close, in the flesh. Her relationship with the bartender was now over because of a restraining order and she corners me and says...

HER: So, what do you to say for yourself these days?

ME: Coo coo ca-choo?

She looked sort of puzzled as I walked away....