Monday, July 10, 2006

Here's To You, Mrs. Robinson

Think of that old Simon and Garfunkel song... Now think of the Lemonhead's version.

That's a good metaphor for this tale.

I was 21, living at home with my father. My neighbor, two doors down was this red headed woman. She used to come into the Video Store I worked at and would invite me over at the holidays to have drinks with her family. She still lived with her folks too.

One big difference... She was 36!

She'd hang around the store and pick my brain about different films. I was a film major in college. The amount of utterly useless movie information I possess is only surpassed by my useless amount of Music information.

Which is to say, it's a lot!

Anyway, video stores used to get these advances "screener" films in from time to time. A pre-release version of a film months before it would come to video in the hopes of retailers buying extra copies of the film for their shelves. Usually these were the latest Steven Siegel straight-to-video releases. However, sometimes we'd get some pretty good films.

This was one of those times and I was taking the video home. (I can't for the life of me remember what it was) She's hanging around the store and says she really wants to see it and asks if she can come over to watch it with me. I think nothing of it and say, yes.

She comes over that night with a six pack, which was welcomed, and we sit down and watch the movie on the big screen in the living room.

It ends, I'm ready for bed. She starts coming onto me! This was odd to say the least.

First off, she's 36 and not really "hot." She was sorta attractive but I never gave it a second thought. Second, we're in my family living room! My father and stepmother are asleep in the next room and my one year old sister is sleeping in her crib two rooms away. If that kid starts screaming my stepmother is gonna walk in on me and this "lady" going at it!

Then I do the math... She's 36! When do I usually get to hook up with with chicks who were sophomores in High School when I was born? Not often. Then I think of my friends and realize none of them could top this story.

I'm all for a little competition amongst friends...Especially when I know I can't be beat!

So, we start going at it! Just kissing and groping... Then I make a mistake. I take a GOOD look at her. She's really not that attractive. To quote Paul Simon, she was "all right in a sorta limited way for an off night"

This wasn't an off night.

Plus, there was a 50/50 chance my friends weren't going to be impressed. They were going to rip me for this! At this exact moment she says to me, "You want to go upstairs"

That's where my room was at the time.

I let out a huge yawn and tell her I think I'm gonna turn in... I have a BIG day at the video store the next day.

This may have been the worst excuse to turn down sex in the history of man! However, I stuck by my story and kicked her out.

The next day I'm at the video store laughing about this with one of my friends. Then the phone rings... It's her asking me what I'm doing that night. I blow her off and go about my life. Two days later, I'm home in my room and my phone rings. It's her! She's tricked one of the other kids at the store into giving her my home phone number. This conversation got odd fast!

ME: How'd you get this number?

HER: So, what? You think you can just hook up with me and blow me off?

ME: Huh?

HER: You think you can just USE me like that?

ME: Hey, lady, I kissed you! What the fuck are you talking about?

HER: You think cause your hot you can get away with this shit?

ME: First of all, I'm not "hot", but thanks! Second...

HER: You're an asshole.

ME: Are you insane?

HER: Maybe, I actually liked you!

ME: Goodbye.

I hang up... The phone rings again and I turn off the answering machine. The thing rang for about ten minutes straight! It finally stopped. I assumed she went to boil some rabbits at this point and went on with my life.

A few days later I realize she's driving by my house in her car over and over again. Slowly back and forth! I'm officially being stalked! By a lady!

Now this went on for weeks. She'd stop in the store and ask what I was doing? Being a smart ass I'd usually reply "working" and leave it at that. The drive by stalking continued for a few more weeks and finally sputtered out.

She was able to get the bartender at the town bar to start dating her. The relationship ended with her beating the shit out him for talking to some girl at the bar. A unusual occurrence for a bartender..

Anyway, I washed my hands of it. The following summer my stepmother decided to throw a neighborhood barbecue and guess who shows up? Yup, Glen Close, in the flesh. Her relationship with the bartender was now over because of a restraining order and she corners me and says...

HER: So, what do you to say for yourself these days?

ME: Coo coo ca-choo?

She looked sort of puzzled as I walked away....


At 8:39 AM, Blogger Dim said...

Whoa man...your stories are the best. I'm going to have to make shit up just to compete!

At 9:41 AM, Blogger emetic sage said...

it's funny, man -- 36 no longer seems pathetically old; it seems a perfect age, and getting younger ever day...

At 10:30 AM, Blogger Debbie said...

That's a great story! That woman was freakin nuts. And I love the coo coo ca choo. Ha!

At 10:39 AM, Blogger rosiegirl said...

what's even freakier about this is that your stalker lived two doors down from you and actually put the effort in to get in her car and drive-by stalk you.
Oh well, at least she wasn't hanging from a tree outside of your bedroom window... :)

At 12:52 PM, Blogger Debbie said...

Okay, she lived two houses from you? And was DRIVING past your house? Makes the story even better.

Seriously off her knob.

At 2:17 PM, Blogger March to the Sea said...

i threw up in my mouth a little at points..but wow..a fun read none the less.

At 6:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Whoa... Someone needed to call in the white coats with this lady!! I cant believe the twit drove by your house ...

No offense but what kinda 36 yearold sane woman goes after a teenager... oh Mary k you know the chick that was in jail had 2 kids... with her student lady yeah that one. :)

At 11:29 AM, Blogger emetic sage said...

i think the crux here wasn't that she was too old, she just wasn't good looking enough for you!

imagine what might have happened had you actually slept with her...

At 9:17 PM, Blogger Road to the Isles said...

Thank god I'm not Mrs. Robinson's old age yet.

"Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me." (love it!)

At 9:27 PM, Blogger Hotwire said...

i'd like a 36 year old to stalk me. do you still have her number...?

a film major, huh? i was as well. i guess that measn we both spent many hours in the film lab trying to create the next 18 minute masterpiece.

At 12:37 PM, Blogger Annoyed said...


I did spend time in the lab for sure...usually only when it was a requirment.

I started film school wanting to be a director. Half way through I decided against that in favor of writing.

Took a tremendous amount of screenwriting courses and lots and lots of therory.

I could bore the shit out of almost any film lover and can hardly ever enjoy a film these days because I'm way too aware of what the film maker is doing to manipulate the images and because of my study of screenwriting can usually guess what's coming next...

These days I'm persuing writing and producing.... A much better pace than directing IMO

At 11:47 AM, Blogger Jocular Schlemiel said...

I'm all for the flings with older women. And I do emphasize "fling". This woman was crazy. Had you met her at a bar, (beer goggles and all) and never saw her again, it is your duty to go all the way. The fact that she lived so close, good choice in abstinence my friend.


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