Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Highway To Hell

I attended Catholic School from 7th to 9th grade. After my freshman year at an all boys Catholic School I said "Fuck this" and transferred to the local public school where they had things like.....girls.

The previous two years I spent at a coed Catholic Grade School where I assured myself a first class ticket on the plane ride to hell. Among my many "highlights"....

1. The head of the school was a nun and I lied right to her face without blinking. Wasn't really my fault as she had no business asking me what she did. We used to have these dances with other schools and one time there was hot little number named Monica. Now, coming into the dance it was well known that Monica had seen me at a previous dance and was interested in sucking some face with me. It was a long time since my summer camp days and by this time I was quite a young stud in the making!

We get to the dance and there she is in the pink number. She was of some Spanish descent and I instantly went into "cool" mode. In other words, I ignored her the whole night trying to look cool in front of my friends. Towards the end of the night I asked her to dance to a slow number. This went well and at the end of it I led her to the one place I knew two young kids could enjoy some privacy...

The boys bathroom!

I took her two feet inside and we start sucking face like there was no tomorrow. I don't remember much but I do remember opening my eyes at one point to see every girl from her school watching us.

Monica and I never saw each other again after that night. We spoke on the phone a few times but then I "dumped" her. Back then you could actually dump a girl you had never taken out in the first place. Being 13 ruled!

Anyway, that was in October and by May I had forgotten all about her. Until one day the head nun calls me over during recess to talk. Now this was odd on a couple of levels. One, the head nun NEVER came outside during the spring. Two, she never came down to the playground to speak to one of us in person.

I had no idea what I had done. However, I knew instantly I was in some sort of trouble. She tells me flat out.... "I just got a call from Sister Mary at St. Matthews. It seems all the girls are teasing a girl named Monica about some indecent behavior she engaged in at one of our dances. Do you remember Monica?"

I look her right in the eye and say "no"

She actually took a step back and looked at me with utter shock. I knew I was just caught lying to a nun but at this point I'm sticking to my story.

"Really, she claims to know you"

Now I realize immediately this nun has no proof! Unless this girl is carrying the second coming of Christ and I'm the father by immaculate conception I'm home free in this...

"I've heard those rumors too, sister. I've never met the girl"

She had no choice but to let me go.

Annoyed: 0 Satan: 1

2. I ask a priest, in front of a entire class, if he's a virgin.

Seemed like a fair question at the time. Plus, the entire class dared me to do it! The same fuckers immediately "acted" shocked soon after I did and ran home and told their parents "Guess what ____ asked father Tony"

I never got an answer which I still say is bullshit!

Annoyed: 0 Satan: 2

3. On our annual school trip to Father Bob's lake house for the day I get to second base in his upstairs bathroom.

Now this was wrong I admit. However, what made it "cool" was the girl's mother actually chaperoned the trip with the expressed interest in keeping us from "making out in a priests house"

It was a challenge! One I accepted and won!

Annoyed: 0 Satan: 3

4. During our annual Christmas chorus concert I volunteer to man one of the two spotlights during the show. I soon discover that if I shine the spot directly on the chorus teacher's ass you can see her underwear. This was big fun for EVERYONE!

It was also during this time that my friends and I thought it would be fun to run the Metallica cover song "Last Caress" through the church's P.A. system.

Nothing says funny like the following lyrics:

"I've got somethin' to say
I killed your baby today and it
Doesn't matter much to me
As long as it's dead

I've got somethin' to say
I raped your mother today and it
Doesn't matter much to me
As long as she spread"

Annoyed: 0 Satan: 4

5. When you kneel down in the confession booth there is a trigger underneath the bench that makes a light go on outside the booth to alert others that someone is in there. We are studying Morse Code in Social Studies and I take this opportunity spell out "this blows" for my friends' amusement.

The teacher, not so amused.

Annoyed: 0 Satan: 5

6. However, none of this topped the following story. In fact, it was at the time regarded as the "worst thing in the history of the school"

My friends were all Alter boys. I never bothered to learn because it just seemed like a tremendous pain in the ass and one more thing I'd have to worry about.

Of course, it didn't stop me from heading "backstage" at the end of every mass and taking part in hits off the wine jug! My friend Paul used to hit the thing hard! Anyway, one day while we're getting ready to leave someone gets the idea... "Let's steal some packages of hosts." For those not in the know, a host is a piece of flat bread that is used to represent the body of Christ during Catholic Mass. The priest says some blessings and that host becomes Jesus and then you eat it to prove how in love you are with him...

So, we grab three packages of these things and take off. All day, every time the teacher turns around there we are holding up a host saying "Body of Christ" and the other person says "Amen" and then we'd laugh like morons.

Looking back it wasn't so much that it was funny as much as we knew it was soooooo fucking wrong!

Anyway, there are like 100 hosts in these sleeves. Entirely too many to eat. After school I'm on my way to the public library with a classmate when I reach in my pocket and pull the rest of my sleeve out. I start firing them off like frisbees left and right as we walk. The body of Christ is FLYING all over the place. All the way from the door of the school to the front door of the library. Actually, two feet inside the library where I decided to stick them in the coin slot on the public phone.

Looking back it was like a satanic breadcrumb trail.

The next day all the guys get called into the Head priests' office.

See, there was a public jogging track on the way to the library and some of the parish's flock were jogging on the body of Christ. They called the church and one of the priests had to walk and pick each one up while saying a prayer over each one as he went.

We get called in and the priest is PISSED! Long story short, we fess up and find out that while we were in trouble it wasn't as bad as it could have been because the hosts were never used in an actual mass and had never been "Consecrated".... A fancy word for blessed.

I learned this because I used the word "blessed" and the head priest jumped to his feet and screamed "Consecrated! The word is CONSECRATED!!!!"

To which, being a total wise ass, I say.... "Okay, Con-sen-cra-ted" as slow as I could.

Our parents were called and all my friends were grounded for weeks. My mother laughed and said "boys will be boys"

Annoyed: 0 Satan: 6

I have a feeling that won't be the last laugh.


At 8:33 AM, Blogger No1ofConsequence said...

#5 is clearly the most creative of your mortal sins. Well done.

At 9:14 AM, Blogger B. said...

Wow. You were BAD. But I guess that's the neat thing about being bad in school. You can look back years later and really enjoy telling the story. Keep them coming!

At 10:16 AM, Anonymous Lloyd The Bartender said...

What a way to start the day! That's more generous than a cup of Ben and Jerry's!


At 12:26 PM, Blogger Dim said...

Guess I'll have some company in hell...

At 1:38 PM, Blogger rosiegirl said...

I love how the Priest had to had to bless each roadkill host before picking it up.

At 3:52 PM, Blogger pog mo thoin said...

Annoyed - glad you will be keeping company with Dim. A little imp with a poker and a t-shirt reading "sponsored by Monica" will be stoking the fire.

At 4:49 PM, Blogger March to the Sea said...

man..first class ticket to hell mate.

At 6:27 AM, Blogger Hotwire said...

"and I take this opportunity spell out "this blows" for my friends' amusement"

i can't explain to you how hard this made me laugh. the whole thing should be turned into a movie.

At 8:51 AM, Blogger Debbie said...

There's going to be a great crowd in hell then.

Poor Monica.

At 1:38 PM, Blogger J.J. Gittes said...

You know, those are funny as hell, and don't involve any real "asshole" behavior. Except the Metallica part. But still, both my sons attend a Catholic school, and the biggest problem is bullies. Once we rid the earth of bullies, everything will be fine. Actually, if you were to come to my town and kick the shit out of the bullies, I'd put in a good word for you with the monsignor, and you may get a couple of millenia lopped off your damnation. Of course, I myself am not Catholic, so your mileage may vary. Just put a little idea in your head, that's all.

At 10:49 PM, Anonymous Butch said...

3. On our annual school trip to Father Bob's lake house for the day I get to second base in his upstairs bathroom.

And how far did you let Father Bob get? Hee hee!

At 1:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

At least Hell, will be fun with all these cool people in it!! :)

Great Great post!!!


At 3:28 PM, Blogger Jocular Schlemiel said...

Absolutely hysterical. If I believed in Hell, I'd be right there with you.

At 11:48 AM, Blogger Mrs. Dr. Dave said...

OMG! I was rolling this is some funny stuff!

At 10:52 AM, Blogger Trish said...

I came across your blog from my sister Boo's site and am having laugh-out-loud over your posts here. Especially, like hotwire said, the spelling out of "this blows" with the confessional light. Too Funny!

And btw...I was a fat kid too, and sent to camp totally against my will. What is it with parents that think this is so great?

At 11:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah, Catholics are funny. . .

At 9:28 AM, Blogger Gunfighter said...

Too funny! All of it!

Your mom sounds like she had it right!

At 12:24 AM, Blogger Jennifer Talty said...

Oh Good Lord. Okay, I was checking out your profile because of the other blog and wondering why the hell I related to you. We're both Gemini for one.

Two, I think I'm the female version of you. Some day I will have to tell you the story about George and sucking face in...nevermind.

Or maybe when I asked the priest who did my precanna what he knew about sex? Yeah, and I was 22 during that experience. I just thought it was hysterical that when my husband and I went through those classes the Catholic church makes people who want to get married strickly for tax purposes (since we already lived together) had a priest give a talk about sex and relationships. Geez. I couldn't take the man seriously. I really wanted to ask him how many times a day he masterbated, but I didn't.


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