Monday, June 26, 2006

Annoyed's Guide To Women Pt. 1

Overall I've been fairly lucky with the gals... I've suffered my fair share of rejection but for an ugly dude I've wound up with some attractive women over the years. Never more so than right now.

However, I have also had my fair share of set backs. Take the following story.

I'm in forth grade and I develop this crazy crush on this girl. It seemed that was the year all the guys I knew started realizing that their lower regions were put there for more than just taking a whiz. Myself included.

Anyway, I dug this girl. Not sure why at the time I just knew that I wanted her in some way. At 11 years old I really had no plan about how to go about getting her or any idea what do with her IF I did. However, I knew what I wanted.

I spent the better part of that year staring at her, making fun of her and generally acting like a complete ass around her at all times! Behavior that I later perfected in my every day life. The year went by and I got past it. She clearly wasn't interested in me and truthfully I was relieved. She made me feel all "weird" inside and who had time for that?

The years went by and we went to different schools. I'd see her once in awhile around town and would always take notice. It seemed my crush never really went away, it just got put on hold.

Cut to Senior Year of High School... We're back at the same school and her and I are friends. We spend every day together at lunch driving around in her car smoking cigarettes and talking about life. Actual conversation! At 17 this was strange. We were pretty close.

Prom time is approaching I figure I'm going to ask her. I think she'll say yes and I'm feeling confident! I bring the topic up in the car on day. Keep in mind, I was pretty slick back then!

Me: So, like, what are doing for the prom?
Her: Rick asked me to go with him. I was hoping....
Me: Oh, okay.... uh, anyway, I gotta go!

I jump out of the car and take off. I'm sorta pissed but not too bad. I figured shit wasn't meant to be so screw it. This was a Friday and on Sunday I asked a different girl to go with me and she said yes. She was a nice girl and I figured we would have some fun but she was certainly a "plan B" girl.

Anyway, I go out to lunch with "Plan A" on Monday and tell her I asked "B" to go and that she said yes. "A" gets this disappointed look on her face which looking back I didn't even recognize as such... We spend our days hanging out and everything is just the way it's been all year. About a week later this conversation occurs.

Her: So, I'm going to the prom with Kevin from (some stupid private school).
Me: Excuse me? You said you were going with Rick?
Her: No, I said Rick asked me to go! You never let me finish that day. Truthfully I was hoping you were going to ask me but then you asked "B"
Me: Son of a BITCH!
Her: What?
Me: Why didn't you tell me?
Her: I tried

LONG story short, she was a virgin! A good looking, really cute virgin who slept with her prom date just because she decided she was tired of being one.

That of course was supposed to ME! Eight YEARS after first staking a claim to this girl and I'm banging "plan B" while she's sleeping with this fucking loser Kevin who she never talked to again after that night!

Son of a bitch!

That summer I tried to put the moves on her drunk one night by sending my friend over to ask her if she liked me. I was really drunk! That's my excuse for acting like a 12 year old girl in Gym class. Of course the answer came back "no" In truth, the next morning, I HATED me!

She goes away to college and we lose touch. The following summer I'm at a party at a mutual friend's house when I bump into her. The party sucks and I tell her I'm taking off. She asks me to where and I tell her I'm gonna go back to my place and watch a movie. She wants to come with me... Her friend drove them there so she'll need me to drive her home later. I'm fine with this and we take off...

Back to my place where she starts looking through my movie collection and pulls out "Goodfellas" saying she's never seen it. This of course blows my mind! I throw it on and we sit on my couch watching it. About an hour later she says to me... "Is something wrong?" I respond that there isn't and she says "I was just wondering" I go back to watching the movie and when it's over offer to take her home.

The whole ride home she has this weird look on her face. I ask, "Didn't like the movie?" which she responds to by saying "It was fine" I pull up to her place, she gets out and says "All right then" and slams the door! I pull out and go home.

THREE DAYS LATER I'm driving around thinking about it.... And then it dawns on me... This chick wanted to hook up that night! She didn't give a shit about some stupid movie! Granted, it's the GREATEST movie EVER but she could have given a shit! She asked me if everything was all right because I wasn't even trying to hook up with her. In fact, I don't think I even LOOKED at her the whole time the movie was on except to answer that question...

The whole night was like a retarded episode of "The Wonder Years"

I tried calling her but never heard back. She was headed back to college in a few weeks. The next time I saw her she had a boyfriend and they got fucking married!





Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Like Sheet!

I used to own a Mitsubishi Mirage. The thing was fucking cursed! Between the freak accidents and the overall bad luck with this thing it became quite a ongoing joke with my friends. Never more so then the time I took it to New York City one Friday night.

I had scored some really great seats to see George Carlin. This was cool because at the time George was still pretty damn funny. (Unlike the last time I saw him which is reflected upon here

Anyway, in the weeks leading up to the show my car started to develop a strange smell. The thing was it would come and go and was never consistent. It was winter out so I figured it was some antifreeze thing or some other climate induced problem. The only thing was, I couldn't for the life of me figure out how antifreeze would smell that bad!

I took it to my buddy who was a mechanic and asked him his opinion. He took one whiff and said "Man, you've got a dead mouse on your hands" This of course made zero sense! He went on the explain that some sort of animal must have climbed into a hose in the engine and died there! So, now when I drove the engine started heating this corpse up and the smell began leaking into the car. I of course wanted the thing removed but my friend told me it would be too expensive to tear my engine apart and assured me that the thing would "burn itself out."

So I drive around the rest of the week with the problem lingering.

Friday night arrives and I have to pick up my date. I was lucky enough to score plans with a girl I was after for quite a long time. I mean, a REALLY long time! She only lived a short distance from my house and at this point I had timed it to a 45 minute window from when the car started up until the smell started creeping out of the heating vents. I lived about 20 minutes from NYC and with travel time to the theatre I figured I could park the car, allow the beast to freeze again and make it home without her ever knowing.

Of course, this was Friday night at 7:00 and there was traffic! All sorts of traffic. We crept along in bumper to bumper traffic until we finally made it into the Lincoln Tunnel. About half way through the tunnel the smell started. It was faint but noticeable. Then it happened... Literally, the exact moment we leave the tunnel the smell gets worse than It had ever been! Like a punch in the face we are hit full force with a stench that can best be described as rotting cabbage but much, much worse!

Thinking quick on my feet I say "Gee, the City stinks tonight"

She's busy rolling down the window and gasping for air but takes time to reply, "What the hell is that?"

I look up and by the grace of God there is a produce truck driving directly in front of us. I point at the truck and say "It's that damn produce truck."

"What are they carrying, a load of shit?" she responded

Now we both have the windows down and we keep driving. The truck in front of us is gone but we can't outrun the smell. I try and get clever and say "Gee that's really lingering" to which she just stares at me. She was hip to something being amiss.

Anyway, we get to a parking garage, throw the car in and head to the theatre. Did I mention how great the seats I got were? Sixth row, and they were taping for HBO! However, we're late and they threw two other people into those seats because of the HBO situation. They make us go sit in the balcony! Which would have been fine except I paid for really good seats and now I'm sitting in seats I could have had for half the price for the same fucking show! It sorta sucked but I reminded myself that I could still be in my car and that made everything a lot better. The show was funny and we had a good time.

Afterwards we make our way back to the garage. The conversation is all about the show we just saw and what to do next. We wait for 15 minutes for my car to come out (it seemed everyone else at the show parked in the same garage) and finally it does screeching to a stop with the attendant leaping out!

Now, it's loud on the sidewalk with all the other people waiting for their cars. I thank the guy and start to walk around to the driver's side when he starts yelling at me in very broken English.

Guy: Smells!
Me: What?
Guy: Like Sheet
Me: What the hell are you...
Guy: Car smells like sheeet!!!!!

Now I realize exactly what this guy is saying... He's saying my car smells like shit. Only he's not saying it, he's yelling it at the top of his lungs! The crowd of people have now turned to watch the free show and the girl I'm with is trying to translate his end of the conversation..

Girl: I think he's saying your car smells like...
Me: Get in!

We get in the car, the windows are WIDE open and he's standing there bent over on the sidewalk screaming.

Guy: SHEEET!!!!!!! LIKE SHEEET!!!!!

Mortified, I put the car in gear and begin to pull out when I notice a different smell... Along with the wall of rotten cabbage there is the faint smell of berries. Confused I look around and notice, hanging from my rear view mirror, a BRAND NEW pine tree air freshener! The guy actually went out and bought one before driving my car to the surface! Now I'm trying to take this all in while he's STILL yelling and now pointing to my car!


Now, I panic! I have this Middle Eastern guy screaming at me, I'm on a date I've been trying to go for a LONG time and my car smells like a Irish man's ass the day after Saint Patty's day! What could I do? Well, I suppose drive away would have been a good thought. My alternative? I rip the air freshener down and THROW it at the guy! At the same time yelling back "Fuck you"

I pull out and all the way down the street you can hear in the background


I turn the corner and I'm gone!

After a few more blocks I look over at my date who has put it ALL together at this point. She just looks at me, smiles and says...

"You think maybe you should have kept the air freshener?"

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Take It With You

My parents split up when I was 14. I lived with my mother for a year until we were ready to kill each other. One weekend when she was away I packed my shit and moved in with my father. The two of us shared a house for the rest of my High School years.

When I was 17 my father had girlfriend that lived in Queens. He would leave work on Friday night and head to her house. I'd see him Sunday night. I suppose his reasoning for leaving me home alone at 17 was that he trusted me.... That and he was a horny single guy for the first time in 15+ years. Either way, his faith was less than rewarded sometimes.

This was one of those times....

My friends learned quickly of my weekend situation. They decided the best thing to do was stock up on beer and weed and come over to watch me Saturday night. I was okay with this since I was pretty broke and weed and beer was expensive.

My buddy came over with the supplies and we drank! We drank until we couldn't see straight... Something like two beers back then! Then we rolled a big joint... I mean a really BIG joint...

We finished that and couldn't feel our faces. Something I discovered while walking into the door frame while looking back, asking "Anyone need another beer"

So there we were, four guys wasted with no women anywhere... (Don't worry, this isn't going "Brokeback") drooling on ourselves.... What to do?

Finally someone comes up with the idea... "Let's get some whippets" Now to the confused, wondering what whippets are?... I'll let Denis Leary explain it...

"Some kid figured this out back in the seventies, and this kid should have been involved in the space program, ok? Some kid took the time and the imagination to go down to the supermarket and figure out if you take a whip cream can container and you press the nozzle on top, just enough before the whip cream comes out, some gas comes out, you snort the gas *snort*, you get high for five seconds"

And that's it basically.... Get some whipped cream and you're all set!

So me and the three stooges head down to Shop Rite. We take a cart and load it up with whipped cream cans. And not the Shop Rite brand, we bought Reddi Whip! After all, no need doing generic whippets. We wanted the BRAND NAME ones!

Anyway, we're pushing this huge cart of whipped cream can down the aisles. I can only imagine what we looked like. I assume, just like four stoned morons... If anyone wanted to they could have had all four of us thrown into rehab right then and there!

In a moment of "clarity" I say:

"Guys, this looks bad. We should get some other stuff to make it less obvious"

We grab some more items off the shelves...

The "shopping list"

1. Doritos
2. Eggs
3. Cookie Dough
4. Motor Oil (I have no idea)
5. Flour
6. TWENTY cans of Reddi Whip!

I reasoned that if anyone questioned us we could tell them "We have to bake a cake"

Of course, we could have decorated a Wedding Cake for 400 with that much whipped cream but I what do you want from me? I was trying to "think" with a numb face.

We checked out and the cashier was laughing at us. At least we were all so paranoid we swore he was. We took the food and motor oil and drove. We were convinced the cashier had called the cops and that they were coming to my house to bust us. Never mind that fact we didn't know the guy and, more importantly, he didn't know us!

So what do four stoned morons do while "Running from the cops?" Well the obvious .... Instead of making a dash back to my house that was less than a mile away, we drove miles and miles to this deserted field kids used to go to get stoned! The ONE place the cops KNEW they could find stoned kids.

By the grace of God no cops came by.... After a half hour there we assumed "the coast was clear" and headed back to my house with our shopping list.

We went down to my basement and shut all the lights out. This way if the cops came by they would think we weren't home. We were pretty bright.

We pulled out my bong and kicked the rest of the weed we hadn't packed into the joint. Feeling good we started on the whippets. Now anyone that has done a whippet knows how this goes... You do one and say "I'll save the rest for later" Then you do another say the same thing. About one minute later you're out of whippets! They call them "Hippie Crack" for a reason. The more you do in a row the higher you get! You literally can't stop until they are all gone. On top of that you feel higher than you ever have!

That copy of Dark Side of the Moon is really..

"The greatest thing ever in the entire WORLD! Play, 'Great Gig in the Sky' again!"

We listen to that song about four times and then I passed out while eating cookie dough with my bare fingers. I woke up with it hardened to my fingers four hours later. Dark Side is STILL playing on "repeat mode" and my friends are slowly coming out of their comas as well. They've all blown curfew by about 2 hours and are about to make a mad dash for the door. I snap out of it for a second and tell them...

"Guys, all this trash, take it with you"

I throw the half case of empty beer bottles and the 20 Reddi Whip Cans into a garbage bag in my room and hand the whole thing to them.

"My father's coming home tomorrow. He can't find this! Throw it in a dumpster somewhere"

They snatch the bag and take off...

I turn off the CD and crash for the night.

I'm awoken to the sound of the Telephone ringing. I answer it and it's my mother asking how I'm doing and what I've been up to? I tell her nothing and I look out the window just in time to see a Police Car entering the driveway. I tell my mother I'll call her back and head outside to see what the hell is going on.... Now keep in mind I just woke up and I had hair down to my ass at this time of my life. That's a rats nest and my eyes are completely blood shot. I have really blue eyes and I could never "hide" anything no matter how much Visine I used. I can't even imagine what I looked like. I assume it was close to Nick Nolte's mug shot from a few years back (I would put the photo here but blogger sucks)

I stagger outside and the cop comes up the driveway and asks me... "Are you (my name)"

Now I guess I could have lied or even been concerned that something happened to my father. However, I had a feeling he was there for me so I said I was.... He pulls out three polaroids and hands them to me. They are photos of the following:

1. 12 beer bottles lined up
2. TWENTY Reddi Whip cans in two separate lines
3. A Domino's Pizza box.

The three idiots didn't take the bag to a dumpster. They took as far the elementary School, six houses away, and threw it on the lawn! The cops opened it up and found the bottles, cans and a fucking pizza box with my name and address on it!

Now, this is LUCK!

I make up some bullshit story about these strange kids from New York that showed up with my friend because they knew my father wasn't home. How they brought all of these cans and beers with them and I told them they could stay if they took it all with them when they left.

The cop bought this for about.... Oh, hell, he never bought it! But, he did take mercy on me. He gave me a five minute lecture on the dangers of whippets and was on his way... Stopping only to tell me that the pictures will remain in a folder at police headquarters until I graduated and anymore screw ups they would be shown to my father.

He was a nice guy.

Years later I volunteered to coach 5th and 6th grade basketball at a local Catholic school. One of my players? That cop's nephew!

Ahhh... The circle of life!

Welcome to the New Blog.

I started this blog because the other is getting a bit limiting at times. I started that one to blow off some steam from time to time and now I want to expand a little.

This blog will examine some of the crazier, embarrassing moments of my 30+ years on the planet. Things that , when they happened, sometimes seemed horrific and tragic and now, looking back. seem pretty damn funny.

Others were just always funny!

I will updating this at least once a week . Or, whenever the spirit moves me!



- And don't worry! "People Places & Things" will still be my #1 focus. After all, I still get good and pissed most days.